MY JOURNEY

 

I was exposed to both darkness and light from a young age growing up around addiction, mental illness, abuse, and emotional struggles, yet also surrounded by wealth, love, and a rich education. Experiencing such contrasts taught me that, regardless of my profound feelings of inadequacy, I had been gifted in this lifetime with access to unlimited opportunities.

 

As a highly sensitive and empathic child, I could sense subtle energies and experienced many psychic abilities. Inspired by the writings of Carlos Castañeda, I often dreamt of one day becoming a Shaman and felt my magic every day. As a child, I remember vividly chasing the clouds, talking to the moon, my hamster, my bird, and my toys, as everything that surrounded me felt alive. But growing up with my brilliant yet troubled mother, who struggled with bipolar disorder, I learned early on how easily such “magical” gifts could become a burden. She displayed a wild imagination yet could also move into darker spaces on a whim. Because she was heavily medicated, I also learned how dangerous mind-altering substances could be and how profoundly they influenced her moods and behavior.

 

I began to feel shame for not being able to hide my sensitivity and empathy. I could hear people’s thoughts and judgments, feel their emotions as if they were mine, and know things before anyone else. This left me increasingly uncomfortable around my peers, as I sensed their energies, thoughts, and feelings, becoming overwhelmed with too much incoming information and with no understanding of how to create healthy boundaries for my highly activated mind. I could not entertain superficial conversations; I felt like an old wise woman trapped in a girl’s body. The death of my oldest sister at 20 marked the beginning of the crumbling and dismantling of our family, and my descent into complete despair. I lost all faith in the meaning of life. I raged against God. I felt numb, as if half of me were gone. I could still feel my sister’s presence and could not believe she was truly dead, especially as I continued dreaming of her. Reality felt like a bad dream.

Neither my mother nor my father knew how to grieve much less support the grief of their children. The whirlwind of successive deaths and dramatic consequences that followed led me to search for answers and uncover the hidden patterns, secrets, and dysfunction that existed on both sides of my lineage where generations of women had stayed silent, protecting their husbands while ignoring their own gifts and pain, and that of their daughters and sons.

 

As a new mother, I made a vow to break that cycle for my three daughters and grandchildren to be the clear channel, the sometimes uncomfortable voice that brings light to my lineage. I chose to face my own abuse and the somatic anxiety it left behind, to uncover and alchemize my hidden shadow coping mechanisms. At 58, I was diagnosed with ADHD, which revealed yet another important piece of our family puzzle and highlighted my highly active, brilliant mind. I choose to see it as a gift rather than a curse, and I am continually learning how to navigate sleep, nutrition, rest, exercise, and self-generated dopamine with the aim of aging gracefully—mentally, physically, and spiritually. I have learned to know myself at my core: to self-soothe, practice self-care, express my needs, and take full responsibility for creating a rich, fulfilling existence that unapologetically reflects my soul’s purpose. I choose to fully feel all my emotions in this human experience—alive, sometimes raw, yet in harmony with all that is—using this embodied awareness to create new projects and possibilities.

 

Today, my mission is to guide others through their own journey to act as a catalyst for embodiment so they can reconnect with their gifts, their truth, and thrive in their everyday reality.​